TEN REASONS WHY NEW ZEALAND WILL NOT WIN THE RUGBY WORLD CUP

TEN REASONS WHY NEW ZEALAND WILL NOT WIN THE RUGBY WORLD CUP

Think it’s an absolute certainty, don’t you?

Once they overcome Australia they’ll brush aside either of the puny northern hemisphere challengers who make it through to the final, and lift the trophy for the first time since 1987.

Well, that’s not going to happen and here are ten reasons why:

1)  INJURIES:

Please tell me you have a back up plan for Carter, Ted?

“Err…um well, there’s a bloke who’s gone fishin’ on the Waikato River by the name of Donald, I think. Used to think he was pretty good but guess I must have forgotten about him at squad selection time…trouble is, bastard won’t answer his phone. Probably reckons it’s Bath Rugby ringin’ to see where the f**k he is! But in the meantime, there’s always Cruden”.

Who? Ok, but what about the others?

“Well, there’s Muliaina, one of our finest players, he’s out. And Richie McCaw, one of our finest cheats, he’s pretty crook too…can’t lie on the ball and wink at the ref any more without it hurtin’." Of course - for legal reasons - this conversation only took place in my mind.

2)  EXPECTATION

There is a massive expectancy from the New Zealand nation who genuinely believes that their team is the best in the world. They have repeatedly failed to prove this since Captain Kirk lifted the cup on the first outing. It’s unthinkable that this won’t be their year. But they’ve been here and bottled it before…several times.

3) LACK OF EXPECTATION FROM THEIR OPPONENTS.

Ok, there is a bit of pressure on the Aussies. They did, after all win the Tri-Nations, a competition in which New Zealand lost twice. Folks back home in the land of Oz will believe that the competition is theirs to win. But folks who know anything about Aussie scrummaging will disagree.

4) REFEREEING

It’s almost traditional for referees to favour New Zealand. When they played Argentina, Nigel Owens might as well have worn a black shirt and done the Haka. The only time that a ref had an off day and allowed the opposition to compete without penalizing their every move, was in the semi-final at Twickenham in 1999. And guess who the opposition was that day? France. South African, Craig Joubert, refs them against Australia in the semi. So don’t expect another Wayne Barnes moment.

5) TED’S CHOICES

For Grumpy Graham, the key issue, if he wants to get his mitts on the Webb Ellis Cup, is to get his selection right. But wait – where were Gear, Rokocoko and Sivivatu when he named the squad? Don’t know many sides that could discard this kind of finishing: http://youtu.be/a9G-JpQO18g and http://youtu.be/dlLhwQEOizI

Haven’t seen much of that against quality opposition recently have we?

6) THEY’VE BEEN WATCHING THE WRONG ANALYSIS VIDEOS

Have you noticed any similarities between New Zealand and England? Before you say: “don’t be daft” just have a look at this: http://youtu.be/M7-9uZd-7qs Ok, it was a score against a disorganized and knackered defence towards the end of the match, but just look at that labored passing. Who does that remind you of?

And another thing, since when have the Blacks adopted the stupid, utterly pointless practice of passing deep behind unconvincing post players to drifting attack runners who wouldn’t even fool English defenders?

Oh, since about the time that they lost Carter.

All that’s missing now are players wildly gesticulating to the ref at ruck time instead of getting stuck in; but then they don’t need to do that just yet.

Perhaps someone mixed up the videos of the men in black.

7) “THE PAGES OF RUGBY HISTORY HAVE BEEN WRITTEN – AND THE PAGES OF RUGBY HISTORY WILL BE RE-WRITTEN…” PHIL VICKERY

Ok, it’s true – no team who has lost a game in the pool stages has ever won the World Cup. Australia lost to Ireland, which did the northern hemisphere sides a huge favour. Wales lost to South Africa and as for France…well, while their Tongan tailspin may have tarnished their credibilty, they did the right thing in losing to the Blacks when they met in Auckland on 24^th September. Had they won, they faced the unpleasant prospect of topping the group and meeting South Africa. I’m surprised they even came out in the second half. So discount that one, but expect the history books to be re-written. Actually, Phil, they won’t be re-written, because this is history in the making, you moron.

8) I’ve just watched the Ireland V Wales game again this evening. Big ask that, for an Irishman. But well done Wales, you were the deserved winners of a magnificent game of rugby. Wales have momentum and, bizarrely, so do France. New Zealand never build momentum because they are used to winning. Whoever wins on Saturday– and I expect it to be France – will take this momentum into the final and that will be the telling factor.

9) The winner of the the first semi – Wales or France – will have a day longer to prepare and recover. Believe me, this will make a difference; if there are any niggling injuries, a day is a long time.

…and finally…

10) THE HAKA

Now this is the best bit of kidology in the entire history of sport. Who on earth allowed this nonsense to become enshrined as a fully endorsed pre-match formality? Make no mistake, this is the most potent motivational tool known to man. Who needs a sports’ psychologist when you can chant, slap you thighs and stick your tongues out at the opposition?

But have you noticed, recently, that the performance of the Haka has got just a teeny bit ragged. They look as if they’ve not all singing from the same hymn sheet. Have a look: http://youtu.be/hNgxvbwh09g Bit of a mess that, wasn’t it? Bunch of pissed-up gap-year students in a club in Ibiza could do better. Not a good omen.

Well, there may be madness in my method, but for me it just points to another four years of soul searching for the men in black…all of them.